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[personal profile] d_a_r_a
Well, it's a sure sign that the apocalypse is nigh. ;) That, or I REALLY need a job.

I've been tackling the ever so fun task of dividing up our stuff in preparation for divorce. I was sorting through our book shelves and came across "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" - well, that didn't work. What the hell went wrong? It just seems like we started off doing everything right - so how did we end up here? I also found my workbook for "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" - don't know where Rick's is, but it probably will turn up eventually. When it does it will be intersesting to see what he wrote. Here were my personal 10 Commandments from exercise #1 - okay, I only wrote in 9 - guess I couldn't come up with 10.

1. Downplay your sucesses
2. Never call attention to yourself
3. Don't try new things you might fail at in front of other people you're likely to see a lot of - you will look foolish if you fail
4. Don't let other people tell you what to do
5. Don't get sick and if you do try not to let it slow you down (be like Daddy)
6. Don't leave lights on if you're not using them - it's wasteful
7. Put your needs (sleep, food, privacy, etc.) 2nd to your loved ones'
8. Always consult your loved ones for their opinion even if you know what it will be or what you will do already
9. Always read between the lines

Hmm...I don't know why # 10 is not on here - it so obviously should be:
10. Never cry or show weakness in public

Part of me is just shaking my head that even with such clear communication upfront in our marriage we still messed things up. #8 really stands out because Rick was just telling me a few days ago that he thinks he finally understands that I had a need to have his input on all sorts of things - the little things - in order to feel that we were sharing a life together...and he didn't do that for me. I got a lot of "I don't think it gets me in trouble" whenever I asked him what he thought. Hmmm, so it took him more than 5 years to comprehend that I expected something that I put down in writing for him before we even married? Yeah, can we say communication problems are HUGE here. :) It's like we exist on totally different planes and don't even have a reference point to start to communicate with each other. I guess you live and learn. As long as you do learn from your mistakes rather than repeat them.

Edit - Oh look, it's the devotional book we did when we were dating/engaged and our manuals from the Weekend to Remember marriage conference we went to 2 years ago. *Shakes head* - what went wrong?

Date: 2005-04-04 03:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] despairfaery.livejournal.com
I can see living with #4 and #9, but were you guys really trying to live by those? There's no way I could abide by that *laughs* ESPCIALLY the part about looking foolish infront of others! I'm constantly tripping up and making a fool of myself.
I think the thing I learned the most from my experience was that people keep growing and changing. If the person you are with can't support you in that and grow along with you, then it's not gonna work. And if it just isn't right, then it just isn't right, no matter how hard you try and save it.

Date: 2005-04-04 06:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] d-a-r-a.livejournal.com
*laughs* No, we weren't actually trying to live by those - we were trying to make explicit things that were just implied or assumed in our families of origin so we'd have some idea where each other was coming from and be able to find some middle ground and meet each others needs and expectations as much as possible. I haven't run across his list from his workbook yet, but I'm sure it would be much different.

Date: 2005-04-04 08:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] facetiae.livejournal.com
oh, that makes much more sense. I wouldn't have recommended many of those life guidelines in general, but it's interesting to put into words and perspective the things you grew up with. I think it would be even more interesting to have parents and adult children do that, actually, though it's not likely to happen very often outside of therapy. =) it's might be fascinating to see what the parents were hoping to convey, and how it was interpreted by the kids.

Date: 2005-04-04 04:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] facetiae.livejournal.com
7. Put your needs (sleep, food, privacy, etc.) 2nd to your loved ones'

I would have to say "balance your needs with those of your loved ones'" =) there are times you can put others' needs first, but there are times that's just not going to work.

Date: 2005-04-04 06:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] d-a-r-a.livejournal.com
Yes, that is something I have learned in the past 5 years. But in the family I grew up in we all tended to put each others needs first and trust that someone else would look out for our needs. We were very protective of each other. I still am very protective of my family - I know they have faults but nobody else better say anything about it in my presence. ;)

Date: 2005-04-05 02:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] facetiae.livejournal.com
"what went wrong?"

possibly it is as you suggested, that you had very little in common and didn't create anything more in common. that's not intended to be a judgement statement. it happens to many couples. there's that old joke about why people get married. they get married because it gives them something to talk about for a few years, first the planning and prep stuff, and then afterward the memories and retelling, etc. then after that's all used up, have a kid or two, and they'll provide conversation for years upon years. it's a bad joke.

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