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d_a_r_aI just finished reading What you Feel You Can Heal by John Gray, Ph.D. and learned so much more about what is wrong with me. I have so many repressed and suppressed emotions I need to deal with. No wonder I'm such a screwed up little monkey. I am also definitely backwards as far as I tend to follow the patterns that most men follow/are socialized into rather than those that women are normally socialized into. Men are usually socialized to believe that vulnerability, hurt and fear are not emotions that it is okay for them to express. Women are usually socialized that it is okay to express vulnerability, hurt and fear but not alright to express anger and hostility.
I have no problem with the anger and the hostility - I express those just fine. I do not express vulnerability, hurt or fear because I was socialized not to let other people see my weaknesses. I can see exactly where this comes from - it comes from my mother's side of the family. My maternal grandmother is the matriarch or the family. I have seen her express anger and hostility, but I have never seen her be vulnerable for even one second. She was and is a feminist who worked outside of the home even in the 50s when she had 5 kids at home. That doesn't sound like such a big deal to us today, but it was a pretty big deal back then. I think perhaps she learned to overcompensate for the fact that she was a woman in an era when women had to earn respect much more so than they do today.
My mother has inherited many of these traits from her mother even though she said she never wanted to be like her mother. Do you know that to this day I have never, not even once, not even when her father died seen my mother cry in front of me? NEVER. And you know, this is a side note, but I haven't seen Aunt Barb (my mom's only sister) cry during her husband Al's battle with cancer or after he died this past December either. I'm sure they do cry - I just never see it. I wonder if anyone sees it or if they always do it in private?
Well the cycle of repressed emotions ends here. I will NOT carry these destructive patterns on into the next generation any longer. So help me, as God as my witness I will find at least 2-3 safe, trustworthy people who I will let all my walls down around and be truly vulnerable and open with. I will cry on their shoulders. I will allow them to be there for me. I will acknowledge my weaknesses and my fears to them and let them do the same to me. I will be a safe person for them too, I will accept and love them and validate their feelings and help them work through those feelings rather than repress them. My name is Amanda and I NEED other people. I am not a rock, I am not an island. It is not good that man/woman be alone - God made us to be in relationships and gosh darn it I'm going to be more purposeful about finding good, healthy, safe relationships.
I have no problem with the anger and the hostility - I express those just fine. I do not express vulnerability, hurt or fear because I was socialized not to let other people see my weaknesses. I can see exactly where this comes from - it comes from my mother's side of the family. My maternal grandmother is the matriarch or the family. I have seen her express anger and hostility, but I have never seen her be vulnerable for even one second. She was and is a feminist who worked outside of the home even in the 50s when she had 5 kids at home. That doesn't sound like such a big deal to us today, but it was a pretty big deal back then. I think perhaps she learned to overcompensate for the fact that she was a woman in an era when women had to earn respect much more so than they do today.
My mother has inherited many of these traits from her mother even though she said she never wanted to be like her mother. Do you know that to this day I have never, not even once, not even when her father died seen my mother cry in front of me? NEVER. And you know, this is a side note, but I haven't seen Aunt Barb (my mom's only sister) cry during her husband Al's battle with cancer or after he died this past December either. I'm sure they do cry - I just never see it. I wonder if anyone sees it or if they always do it in private?
Well the cycle of repressed emotions ends here. I will NOT carry these destructive patterns on into the next generation any longer. So help me, as God as my witness I will find at least 2-3 safe, trustworthy people who I will let all my walls down around and be truly vulnerable and open with. I will cry on their shoulders. I will allow them to be there for me. I will acknowledge my weaknesses and my fears to them and let them do the same to me. I will be a safe person for them too, I will accept and love them and validate their feelings and help them work through those feelings rather than repress them. My name is Amanda and I NEED other people. I am not a rock, I am not an island. It is not good that man/woman be alone - God made us to be in relationships and gosh darn it I'm going to be more purposeful about finding good, healthy, safe relationships.
