More ramblings...

[d_a_r_a]

In last night's into the wee hours of the morning conversation which is becoming habitual for Rick and I he said he did not understand my need to be understood by the person I'm romantically involved with. He wanted to know why wasn't it just enough that I was loved? I've thought about that and this is what I've concluded. How can someone love me unless they understand me? If they don't understand who I am at the core of my very being then they're not loving me - they're loving a pale shadow of who I am, not the real me. That kind of love is great in friendships - I give and receive that kind of love from a lot of people who don't truly understand me and whom I don't truly understand. And I don't want to belittle that kind of love because it is special and wonderful and beautiful in it's own way, as all love is. But is it so wrong to long for something deeper than that with that one special person? A truly spiritual, mystical, deep and unexplainable connection that leads to a natural understanding of each other on a core level even if sometimes you don't necessarily understand all the details of each other in the physical realm?

Maybe I'm just too much of a romantic and I just expect too much, but I can't seem to help it - that is what I long for and what I despair of ever finding with Rick. When I married Rick I think in a lot of ways I thought it was time to put aside my childish dreams of prince charming. I think I thought finding someone with the same dreams and goals in life who was good, decent, and kind who I found attractive and who found me attractive would be enough. The only problem being that the dreams and goals were not actually my dreams and goals but those that society had told me I was supposed to have. I wasn't conscious of any of this at the time obviously or I wouldn't find myself in the mess I am in today. And that is probably a recurring theme in my life. I'm too impulsive, act on feelings without examining them carefully enough - that gets me into trouble a lot.

So I'm trying desperately to take the time to examine all the feelings that I'm being inundated with now but it's so overwhelming sometimes I don't know where to begin or what to believe. I keep asking God for a sign - which way am I supposed to go? But there haven't been any burning bushes in my yard recently to speak to. And despite all the confusion and anxiety on the outside for the first time in a very long time I feel at peace in the core of my being. I feel at one with the universe in a way I've never felt before. I'm realizing that God is the universe - and the true nature of what that means, his omnipresence is something so wonderful that it brings joy to my heart and tears to my eyes.

Comments

[facetiae.livejournal.com]

have you considered journaling? I mean, yes, this IS Live Journal after all, but it's not the same thing to write stuff up in a public forum, versus a private journal only for your eyes. it might help, it might not, but I think you should give it a try if you're not already doing this. just sit down with a blank book or in front of your computer, and write anything and everything that comes into your head. it might not be easy at first, but with effort and practice, it will get easier. I have trouble with the blank screen syndrome, myself.

[d-a-r-a.livejournal.com]

Yes, I have some private journal entries on here for my eyes only. It does help. Mostly, so far, they've taken the form of letters to Dave that I may or may not ever give him. But it does help the thought process just to vomit, so to speak, everything out in one fashion or another.

I'm snooping!

[despairfaery.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, what you long for is out there. I am proof of that. My ex said something similar to me about being loved. Only he was a little more desparate. He said he didn't care if I didn't love him back, that he would love me enough for the both of us. I stayed with him out of pity and I truly didn't want to hurt him. Finally, an old lady said to me "If you can look at your life in the future and picture it without him, then divorcing him is for the best. But if it kills you to not see him there, then you should stay." And I knew in a matter of minutes that it was the right thing to do, but taking that first step was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Re: I'm snooping!

[d-a-r-a.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your encouragement and your support. Because of people like you in my life, whether online or in real life, I'm finding the courage to do what I now see I have to do. It's not always easy, but I will make it through this.

BTW I've added you to my friends list.

Re: I'm snooping!

[despairfaery.livejournal.com]

Yay! I will add you to mine. I am thrilled that my experience can help encourage change in others. So often we are told that to think of ourselves is a bad thing and I for years thought myself selfish until I woke up and said "wait...isn't this MY life?" Hang in there!

I got my sign...

[d-a-r-a.livejournal.com]

When I asked God for a sign I was rather specific about it. I asked him if I was doing the right thing by divorcing Rick that my cat would lick me on the nose. I'm not sure quite why I asked for that particular thing. My cat has never licked me on the nose, EVER. Whenever I draw my face near hers she backs away because she feels trapped/threatened. Today I bent over the chair she was sitting on to snuggle her and pet her and she reached her face right up towards mine and licked me on the nose! It was so fast and I was so not attempting to GET her to lick my nose (yes, I'll admit I have stuck my head near hers before in hopes that she would - but today that was not the case) at the time that I questioned if it happened at first, but the moistness on my nose was real. I already had a lot of peace about the situation, but now that peace is complete. Patience...well that's another thing and probably one I'll never master. ;)