May. 13th, 2005

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I'm horribly depressed today. Yes, I know that just yesterday I was bubbly, happy and upbeat...what can I say, things happen, moods change. I cried last night. Frustration, fear, insecurity and more just had to come out somehow. I actually wish I had cried more, just let go and let it all out. But it was a rather controlled cry because I hate crying, I hate being weak. I keep having vivid mental images of me slashing my wrists. No, I'm not suicidal because I know the right way to slash my wrists if I truly wanted to die and that is not the way I keep seeing it in my mind's eye. I think that I just need, on some level, to have some outward manifestation of the inner pain. Emotionally I'm bleeding on the inside why shouldn't I be physically bleeding on the outside too? The bizarre thing is that NONE of this is related to the divorce - it's all related to my feelings for Dave and the vulnerability, insecurity and uncertainty that entails. If wasn't for sweet little Moira I think it's quite possible that I would actually do myself bodily harm. I just want to become a hermit and never see anyone again. Would it be to much to ask just to sleep through the rest of my life - or at least the next two months?

Dad, if you're reading this I apologize for being such a downer on your birthday. Happy Birthday! :)

Okay, God is good. The mail just just got here and my tranquility fountain I bought on ebay arrived. Let's hope it lives up to it's name because I could use some tranquility right about now. I know that my focus is off - I haven't been meditating and praying like I should be. I haven't been faithful to my exercise program or my tai chi recently and I'm off balance physically too. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I'm upset emotionally as well. I'm not a patient person so I'm trying so hard to be patient because the situation calls for it. I need to stop trying so hard and just let go and trust. But seeing as I am also a control freak that is easier said than done. I need to take a step back, reassess, re-evaluate and breathe deeply. Everything will be okay.


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