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I am learning so much about myself by studying astrology. I'm also learning how misunderstood astrology is. It's not about predicting the future - it's more about learning who you and other people are - which helps you make informed decisions about what you want your future to look like.

For instance, though I am an aries and do have the fiery disposition, restless nature, and am opinionated, somewhat reckless and impulsive at times, and am not at all time oriented - all things associated with Aries. I am also seeing how I was influenced by my upbringing. Both my parents are Taureans and their practicality, frugality, stubbornness, sense of responsibility etc. have been enbedded in my psyche. Can I also say that living with their rules, restrictions etc. etc. always drove me completely crazy and my mother and I nearly killed each other when I was a teenager.

Well, I married another Aries - only I didn't really. He's on the cusp of Taurus and has a ton more Taurean traits than Arien traits - freaking hell, I married my family and my family makes me crazy as much as I love them - d'oh!

The real pickle here...the only other immediate family member I have is my brother who is a Capricorn and we drive each other crazy too...less so than my parents, but still crazy. Did I mention Dave is a Capricorn? Could I possibly just be repeating really bad choices/patterns in my life? This will have to be looked into. At least I feel like on some level my brother is capable of understanding parts of me - my parents have never seemed to be able to grasp who I am in the slightest. I've always kind of felt that their general attitude toward me is that they love me, will support me in whatever I choose for my life, but don't know why the heck I choose the things I do and just don't understand me in general.
d_a_r_a: (Default)
Well, it's a sure sign that the apocalypse is nigh. ;) That, or I REALLY need a job.

I've been tackling the ever so fun task of dividing up our stuff in preparation for divorce. I was sorting through our book shelves and came across "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" - well, that didn't work. What the hell went wrong? It just seems like we started off doing everything right - so how did we end up here? I also found my workbook for "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" - don't know where Rick's is, but it probably will turn up eventually. When it does it will be intersesting to see what he wrote. Here were my personal 10 Commandments from exercise #1 - okay, I only wrote in 9 - guess I couldn't come up with 10.

1. Downplay your sucesses
2. Never call attention to yourself
3. Don't try new things you might fail at in front of other people you're likely to see a lot of - you will look foolish if you fail
4. Don't let other people tell you what to do
5. Don't get sick and if you do try not to let it slow you down (be like Daddy)
6. Don't leave lights on if you're not using them - it's wasteful
7. Put your needs (sleep, food, privacy, etc.) 2nd to your loved ones'
8. Always consult your loved ones for their opinion even if you know what it will be or what you will do already
9. Always read between the lines

Hmm...I don't know why # 10 is not on here - it so obviously should be:
10. Never cry or show weakness in public

Part of me is just shaking my head that even with such clear communication upfront in our marriage we still messed things up. #8 really stands out because Rick was just telling me a few days ago that he thinks he finally understands that I had a need to have his input on all sorts of things - the little things - in order to feel that we were sharing a life together...and he didn't do that for me. I got a lot of "I don't think it gets me in trouble" whenever I asked him what he thought. Hmmm, so it took him more than 5 years to comprehend that I expected something that I put down in writing for him before we even married? Yeah, can we say communication problems are HUGE here. :) It's like we exist on totally different planes and don't even have a reference point to start to communicate with each other. I guess you live and learn. As long as you do learn from your mistakes rather than repeat them.

Edit - Oh look, it's the devotional book we did when we were dating/engaged and our manuals from the Weekend to Remember marriage conference we went to 2 years ago. *Shakes head* - what went wrong?
d_a_r_a: (Default)
In last night's into the wee hours of the morning conversation which is becoming habitual for Rick and I he said he did not understand my need to be understood by the person I'm romantically involved with. He wanted to know why wasn't it just enough that I was loved? I've thought about that and this is what I've concluded. How can someone love me unless they understand me? If they don't understand who I am at the core of my very being then they're not loving me - they're loving a pale shadow of who I am, not the real me. That kind of love is great in friendships - I give and receive that kind of love from a lot of people who don't truly understand me and whom I don't truly understand. And I don't want to belittle that kind of love because it is special and wonderful and beautiful in it's own way, as all love is. But is it so wrong to long for something deeper than that with that one special person? A truly spiritual, mystical, deep and unexplainable connection that leads to a natural understanding of each other on a core level even if sometimes you don't necessarily understand all the details of each other in the physical realm?

Maybe I'm just too much of a romantic and I just expect too much, but I can't seem to help it - that is what I long for and what I despair of ever finding with Rick. When I married Rick I think in a lot of ways I thought it was time to put aside my childish dreams of prince charming. I think I thought finding someone with the same dreams and goals in life who was good, decent, and kind who I found attractive and who found me attractive would be enough. The only problem being that the dreams and goals were not actually my dreams and goals but those that society had told me I was supposed to have. I wasn't conscious of any of this at the time obviously or I wouldn't find myself in the mess I am in today. And that is probably a recurring theme in my life. I'm too impulsive, act on feelings without examining them carefully enough - that gets me into trouble a lot.

So I'm trying desperately to take the time to examine all the feelings that I'm being inundated with now but it's so overwhelming sometimes I don't know where to begin or what to believe. I keep asking God for a sign - which way am I supposed to go? But there haven't been any burning bushes in my yard recently to speak to. And despite all the confusion and anxiety on the outside for the first time in a very long time I feel at peace in the core of my being. I feel at one with the universe in a way I've never felt before. I'm realizing that God is the universe - and the true nature of what that means, his omnipresence is something so wonderful that it brings joy to my heart and tears to my eyes.

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July 2009

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