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Today was a fairly busy day for me - as days go when you're unemployed. I got up, worked out, cursed at the scale - damn plateau, took a shower and got dressed up for job type stuff. No actual interview. Just testing at WMU for an Office Assistant position and applying in person for another Admin. Asst. position at a local retirement community/assisted living/nursing home place. I scored 100% on both MS Word and data entry which is all they tested me on. They said to allow an hour for testing. I was in and out in 20 minutes. So I shook my fist in rage at the 50 minutes still left on my meter and the money that represented before running over to The Fountains to apply there.

By the time I was done applying there it was just after 3pm and I had nothing to do and nowhere to be. I briefly thought about visiting my grandma since I was on that side of town but I'm really not sure what my mother may have told her about the whole situation with Rick and I and I really wasn't in the mood to discuss it. So I headed over to the hide and go thwap place to do a little exploring. I ended up spending an hour and a half walking through that place. The first hour seemed like 10 minutes...I couldn't believe so much time had passed. The sun was shining, birds were calling to each other, small animals were scurrying through the underbrush, and the branches of the trees were creaking in the wind. *sigh* It was lovely. Several times I just had to stop on the top of a hill and just take it all in.

How could I have never been aware that there was such a beautiful place right on the other side of town? The next 30 minutes went by in real time as I tried to figure out where I was and how to get back to my car. It wasn't too hard - I had just wandered farther than I thought so it took some time to get back to the entrance. Several times I did silently curse the fact that I was wearing dress boots and a skirt. There were some interesting smaller paths leading off into the underbrush as well as one very steep hill where the dirt path was quite rocky that I just didn't think it would be wise to try to navigate with the inappropriate footwear I had on. Another day, another pair of shoes.

When I got back to my car I headed straight home to pull in the drive at just after 5pm only to have Wendy and Beth pull in behind me and kidnap me for a Mary Kay thingy. There were in the area and thought they'd stop on their way by to see if I wanted to come with them. So I went, had a make over and did other girly things for the evening. It was a lot of fun. And that was about it for the day.
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Yay! The daffodils are blooming - spring is here! Soon my tulips will be up too. When I was little daffodils bloomed all along the bank of the creek in our back yard so they remind me of simpler times I think. But what I truly cherish are hyacinths. Those grew randomly in the woods back behind the creek. Which really when I look at it today is not much of a woods, but to a child it was a vast playground. Anyway the hyacinths blooming was one of the first signs of spring and I used to go hunting for them in the woods. I spent so many hours traipsing through the undergrowth of those woods - it was almost like my own personal maze. I miss those days. There was so much joy in finding the hyacinths. I didn't usually pick them, just left them there to come back and visit later. Hmmm...simpler times. *sigh*
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My big revelation through this whole process and the counseling etc. is the following. I took an intro to Philosophy class Spring semester of my Freshman year of college that messed me up. I'd bet that Julie still remembers coming back to our dorm room to find me curled up in the fetal position on my bed contemplating the basic epistemological question of whether or not we can know ANYTHING for certain. Quite frankly here I was in a new city, in a new state, with none of the people I grew up with around. There were too many physical life changes going on for my brain to assimilate or deal with profound metaphysical questions of the nature of the universe.

The following fall semester I filled out this little survey for Campus Crusade for Christ to get a free pizza and they came to my dorm room to follow up with me. I could tell these people really cared - and that meant a lot. They also had all the answers - or at least a set of answers. And you could tell they believed in it 100% - so I just kind of slid straight into their framework for life wholeheartedly. I guess part of me just was not ready to do the hard work of figuring out what I believed and found it easier to accept a pre-made package of beliefs. At first I just accepted what they said at face value.

And they had this wonderful leadership program - and apparently I'm a natural born leader - at least Rick says so. So I was leading a Bible Study and I was on the shepherd team etc. etc. It gave me an outlet for those skills. Then the questions started to come my senior year. At that time just differences in ministry philosophy mostly. Little by little, through the last several years, I've been able to de-program my brain until I'm at where I am today, actually dealing with those extremely uncomfortable metaphysical questions. And I've realized because of who I am and how I'm made that I'll be dealing with those metaphysical questions for the rest of my life. I'm never going to stop pondering, learning, exploring those questions. And that no longer scares me but excites me. Comfort is highly overrated anyway.

Switching topics entirely - Rick, Dave and I went for a walk in the woods last night for a couple of hours. No, I'm not kidding. Despite the bizarre situation we find ourselves in we're all friends - and friends do stuff together. Dave took us to see the "hide and go thwap" place we've heard about before. It's a parcel of woods owned by WMU out behind an apartment complex. There's a large clearing there. It's a beautiful place - not the kind of beauty you see with your eyes, the kind of beauty you just feel. I was going to say it was lots of fun - but fun just isn't the right word, doesn't convey the true depth of the experience. I'm trying to find the right words, but it's difficult. On the one hand it was a calming, almost comforting place - on the other hand it was...hmmm, looking for words...envigorating maybe? The best way I can think to put it is that this place makes me feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. I'm not sure what that something is but I'm pretty sure it's important.


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July 2009

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