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Just got back from hanging out at Ravenwood (local coffee shop) with Rick, Dave K. & Dave H. It was nice to see that we can all be in the same room together and still laugh, joke, be friends etc. with a very minimal amount of tension. We had a lot of fun and numerous random conversations.

I feel like Rick is starting to get why I feel we just won't work out. At this point in our life we lack any common ground. Spiritual beliefs that used to be in synch with each other are no longer that way. And we never really had much of anything else in common to begin with. Add to that communication problems that we continue to struggle to overcome and may in fact never overcome as well as different directions and goals in our lives. Let's face it - God has not been glorified in our relationship with the constant fighting and bickering. God would be more glorified in an amicable divorce and us remaining friends - things that just don't usually happen in the world. We can be more "Christian" in our divorce than we've ever been in our marriage.
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...guess that will happen when you forget to eat for 24 hours. Hmm, sorry, food? What is that? I forget. Too confused/anxious/upset/did I mention confused? to eat. And how is everyone else doing this lovely spring day? My cat is staring blankly out the window - hmm, that's kind of how I feel at this point too. I can hear birds chirping outside, that's nice, I like birds. I'm probably not making too much sense at this point so don't try to read this entry as if it should make any sense...just take it for what it is...confused ramblings of a psychotic woman. Have I ever told you all that sometimes I think the best way to sum up who I am is to say that I'm a rebel trapped in a conformist's upbringing? I'm pretty sure there are some chains around here I don't need that I need to break - I'm just not sure which ones they are. If I break the wrong chains I'll end up hurtling into the gorge of eternal peril for the rest of my life which would just not be cool. By the way my name is Amanda, my favorite color is blue, and my quest is to figure out what path I'm supposed to take in life. It's that last part that's got me all confused. Though for a while there in Jr. High it was difficult making the decision between blue and purple - gosh problems were so much simpler back then. I think too much, waaaaay too much. Why can't I just be simplistic and float through life without worrying about finding meaning and purpose? Ignorance is bliss - the problem is that you can never go back to ignorance even if you want to. Lord grant me the serenity to accept the chains I should not break, the courage to break the chains I should, and the freaking wisdom to know the difference...
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Yippee I'm 29 - ack! I'm getting old! Massive confusion was not quite how I wanted to spend my birthday - but looks like what's on tap. We were up until the wee hours of the morning yet again but I feel like Rick and I made a massive breakthrough in communication last night. I feel like he finally understands why I feel so little hope for our marriage. He finally gets the mental and emotional torture he inflicts on me with out ever meaning to do so. Strangely enough this has led to Rick being more willing to let me go and me being more willing to work on our marriage. I feel like if Rick finally understands what the problem is then maybe it can be fixed - though I'm still skeptical. As much as I try to separate my feelings for Dave from my marital issues it's really hard. But if there's a way to work out my marriage and fix it maybe I have to take it even if it's not exactly what I had wished for. Today sounds like a good day to spend in prayer for clarification and direction.

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July 2009

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