Apr. 4th, 2005

d_a_r_a: (Default)
You may remember that some time ago I wrote about the fact that I had discovered that pink had insidiously made it's way into my wardrobe somehow. There was speculation at the time that LJ was placing subliminal messages in the background of it's pages urging us to buy pink clothing since [livejournal.com profile] radiojedi had been experiencing similar bizarre wardrobe behavior. Well, I just want to say that yesterday I was proud to be able to do a whole load of nothing but black. *sigh* Okay, okay, a couple of navy things worked there way in there - I still seem to have WAY too much navy clothing. Stupid conservative period. Somehow I feel better about the pink knowing that it is being offset by all the black I've recently aquired (mostly due to a lovely sale at Meijer). I have acheived balance in my wardrobe and can be at peace again. May you find balance and peace also my child.
d_a_r_a: (Default)
I see the love you have for me,
Though I cannot feel its fire.
I know your love runs deep,
That you are not a liar.

For you do not merely speak of love,
You try to show me every day.
Often times it does not come through,
Because you do it in your own special way.

And your way does not mesh with mine,
And so our paths must now diverge.
The sadness shall not be disregarded,
We will each play a separate dirge.

But once the dirge is over,
And all the tears have passed.
Our friendship shall remain,
With the happy memories we’ve amassed.

And though our paths will again be two,
And no longer shall be one.
Our paths will still run parallel,
Till our time on earth is done.

For Rick

d_a_r_a: (Default)
Well, it's a sure sign that the apocalypse is nigh. ;) That, or I REALLY need a job.

I've been tackling the ever so fun task of dividing up our stuff in preparation for divorce. I was sorting through our book shelves and came across "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" - well, that didn't work. What the hell went wrong? It just seems like we started off doing everything right - so how did we end up here? I also found my workbook for "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" - don't know where Rick's is, but it probably will turn up eventually. When it does it will be intersesting to see what he wrote. Here were my personal 10 Commandments from exercise #1 - okay, I only wrote in 9 - guess I couldn't come up with 10.

1. Downplay your sucesses
2. Never call attention to yourself
3. Don't try new things you might fail at in front of other people you're likely to see a lot of - you will look foolish if you fail
4. Don't let other people tell you what to do
5. Don't get sick and if you do try not to let it slow you down (be like Daddy)
6. Don't leave lights on if you're not using them - it's wasteful
7. Put your needs (sleep, food, privacy, etc.) 2nd to your loved ones'
8. Always consult your loved ones for their opinion even if you know what it will be or what you will do already
9. Always read between the lines

Hmm...I don't know why # 10 is not on here - it so obviously should be:
10. Never cry or show weakness in public

Part of me is just shaking my head that even with such clear communication upfront in our marriage we still messed things up. #8 really stands out because Rick was just telling me a few days ago that he thinks he finally understands that I had a need to have his input on all sorts of things - the little things - in order to feel that we were sharing a life together...and he didn't do that for me. I got a lot of "I don't think it gets me in trouble" whenever I asked him what he thought. Hmmm, so it took him more than 5 years to comprehend that I expected something that I put down in writing for him before we even married? Yeah, can we say communication problems are HUGE here. :) It's like we exist on totally different planes and don't even have a reference point to start to communicate with each other. I guess you live and learn. As long as you do learn from your mistakes rather than repeat them.

Edit - Oh look, it's the devotional book we did when we were dating/engaged and our manuals from the Weekend to Remember marriage conference we went to 2 years ago. *Shakes head* - what went wrong?
d_a_r_a: (Default)
I am learning so much about myself by studying astrology. I'm also learning how misunderstood astrology is. It's not about predicting the future - it's more about learning who you and other people are - which helps you make informed decisions about what you want your future to look like.

For instance, though I am an aries and do have the fiery disposition, restless nature, and am opinionated, somewhat reckless and impulsive at times, and am not at all time oriented - all things associated with Aries. I am also seeing how I was influenced by my upbringing. Both my parents are Taureans and their practicality, frugality, stubbornness, sense of responsibility etc. have been enbedded in my psyche. Can I also say that living with their rules, restrictions etc. etc. always drove me completely crazy and my mother and I nearly killed each other when I was a teenager.

Well, I married another Aries - only I didn't really. He's on the cusp of Taurus and has a ton more Taurean traits than Arien traits - freaking hell, I married my family and my family makes me crazy as much as I love them - d'oh!

The real pickle here...the only other immediate family member I have is my brother who is a Capricorn and we drive each other crazy too...less so than my parents, but still crazy. Did I mention Dave is a Capricorn? Could I possibly just be repeating really bad choices/patterns in my life? This will have to be looked into. At least I feel like on some level my brother is capable of understanding parts of me - my parents have never seemed to be able to grasp who I am in the slightest. I've always kind of felt that their general attitude toward me is that they love me, will support me in whatever I choose for my life, but don't know why the heck I choose the things I do and just don't understand me in general.


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