Mar. 30th, 2005

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I'm not really feeling much of anything right now. The emotional pain levels got a little too intense. In order to be able to continue to function for now a numbness has settled in. I suppose that is part of the natural grief process, right? Denial or whatever....shock maybe? Reality is trying to set in and it's so much more painful than I expected.
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It's odd, I'm embarking on a path (divorce) that most Christians would consider a sin not to mention my expanding spirituality that is starting to include/incorporate ideas and concepts that many conservative Christians might term new age or neo pagan. I'm sure many many Christians would look at me right now and say I'm being deceived and led astray by Satan. I've considered that very scary possibility myself. I've been so humbled by the fact that I've looked at other liberal Christians in the past and thought the same of them. I have been so judgmental - how could I not even have been aware of it? That was the deception. I know I'm not being deceived now because of this: sins I have been struggling with for years are just falling away with absolutely no effort on my part. Addictions to food, TV/soap operas, etc. no longer have any hold over me whatsoever. I still have some bad habits to overcome but now it's more a matter of being conscious of what I am doing rather than lack of power to change. I turned on Days of Our Lives yesterday more out of habit than anything and after 5 minutes I was sick of it. What a waste of time and energy. There are so many more important things I could be doing/learning/experiencing/meditating on. I have never felt more spiritually whole in my life. I am closer to God now that I have ever been before. Once I was willing to drop my pre-conceived notions about who God was and how he worked - once I stopped trying to maintain an omnipotent God inside my own little finite mentality's box and opened that box up - wow! It's really beyond words.

On an entirely different note - I have a job interview tomorrow morning at 8am for a temp to hire admin asst. position. This will be the initial interview with the temp agency, then I don't know if they'll just place me or I'll need to interview with the actual people I'd be working for as well. Prayers and/or good thoughts would be appreciated.


Mar. 30th, 2005 02:23 pm
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Snake creeping down just does NOT belong on a *beginners* tai chi video. It just doesn't. Ouch!
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We have another counseling session tonight at 5pm. Rick told me a little earlier on the phone (so it wouldn't be a surprise when we meet at counseling - he's coming straight from work) that he still wants 6 more months together to heal and work through things even if we are ultimately going to divorce. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that...but it's probably the least I can do I suppose. Still, it will be odd living with someone who I'm married to but feel absolutely no romantic attraction to.


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