Mar. 28th, 2005

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...guess that will happen when you forget to eat for 24 hours. Hmm, sorry, food? What is that? I forget. Too confused/anxious/upset/did I mention confused? to eat. And how is everyone else doing this lovely spring day? My cat is staring blankly out the window - hmm, that's kind of how I feel at this point too. I can hear birds chirping outside, that's nice, I like birds. I'm probably not making too much sense at this point so don't try to read this entry as if it should make any sense...just take it for what it is...confused ramblings of a psychotic woman. Have I ever told you all that sometimes I think the best way to sum up who I am is to say that I'm a rebel trapped in a conformist's upbringing? I'm pretty sure there are some chains around here I don't need that I need to break - I'm just not sure which ones they are. If I break the wrong chains I'll end up hurtling into the gorge of eternal peril for the rest of my life which would just not be cool. By the way my name is Amanda, my favorite color is blue, and my quest is to figure out what path I'm supposed to take in life. It's that last part that's got me all confused. Though for a while there in Jr. High it was difficult making the decision between blue and purple - gosh problems were so much simpler back then. I think too much, waaaaay too much. Why can't I just be simplistic and float through life without worrying about finding meaning and purpose? Ignorance is bliss - the problem is that you can never go back to ignorance even if you want to. Lord grant me the serenity to accept the chains I should not break, the courage to break the chains I should, and the freaking wisdom to know the difference...
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In last night's into the wee hours of the morning conversation which is becoming habitual for Rick and I he said he did not understand my need to be understood by the person I'm romantically involved with. He wanted to know why wasn't it just enough that I was loved? I've thought about that and this is what I've concluded. How can someone love me unless they understand me? If they don't understand who I am at the core of my very being then they're not loving me - they're loving a pale shadow of who I am, not the real me. That kind of love is great in friendships - I give and receive that kind of love from a lot of people who don't truly understand me and whom I don't truly understand. And I don't want to belittle that kind of love because it is special and wonderful and beautiful in it's own way, as all love is. But is it so wrong to long for something deeper than that with that one special person? A truly spiritual, mystical, deep and unexplainable connection that leads to a natural understanding of each other on a core level even if sometimes you don't necessarily understand all the details of each other in the physical realm?

Maybe I'm just too much of a romantic and I just expect too much, but I can't seem to help it - that is what I long for and what I despair of ever finding with Rick. When I married Rick I think in a lot of ways I thought it was time to put aside my childish dreams of prince charming. I think I thought finding someone with the same dreams and goals in life who was good, decent, and kind who I found attractive and who found me attractive would be enough. The only problem being that the dreams and goals were not actually my dreams and goals but those that society had told me I was supposed to have. I wasn't conscious of any of this at the time obviously or I wouldn't find myself in the mess I am in today. And that is probably a recurring theme in my life. I'm too impulsive, act on feelings without examining them carefully enough - that gets me into trouble a lot.

So I'm trying desperately to take the time to examine all the feelings that I'm being inundated with now but it's so overwhelming sometimes I don't know where to begin or what to believe. I keep asking God for a sign - which way am I supposed to go? But there haven't been any burning bushes in my yard recently to speak to. And despite all the confusion and anxiety on the outside for the first time in a very long time I feel at peace in the core of my being. I feel at one with the universe in a way I've never felt before. I'm realizing that God is the universe - and the true nature of what that means, his omnipresence is something so wonderful that it brings joy to my heart and tears to my eyes.

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July 2009

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