Mar. 24th, 2005

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Yippee I'm 29 - ack! I'm getting old! Massive confusion was not quite how I wanted to spend my birthday - but looks like what's on tap. We were up until the wee hours of the morning yet again but I feel like Rick and I made a massive breakthrough in communication last night. I feel like he finally understands why I feel so little hope for our marriage. He finally gets the mental and emotional torture he inflicts on me with out ever meaning to do so. Strangely enough this has led to Rick being more willing to let me go and me being more willing to work on our marriage. I feel like if Rick finally understands what the problem is then maybe it can be fixed - though I'm still skeptical. As much as I try to separate my feelings for Dave from my marital issues it's really hard. But if there's a way to work out my marriage and fix it maybe I have to take it even if it's not exactly what I had wished for. Today sounds like a good day to spend in prayer for clarification and direction.
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Apparently Rick thought that I "got him" that I truly understood him. In actuality - I'm completely clueless. I do not understand him at all. He has mistaken my empathy for understanding. I see he's in pain and I feel the pain too even though I don't understand the whys and wherefores. So apparently I don't understand him any more than he understands me. This is why we're constantly abusing each other mentally and emotionally. It's certainly not on purpose. I'm having to accept responsibility for my retaliations and that I have hurt him deeply too - I'm by no means blameless in the breakdown of our marriage. I tried the best I knew how to communicate and fix things but the best I knew how was far from perfect. That knowledge helps me a lot in learning to let go of the pain he inflicted on me. He did his best too but he's not perfect anymore than I am. I know that God crys for us - that we've hurt each other so deeply - and he wants to heal that pain. I'm not sure what the next step is here but I'm trying to take things one day at a time.

One thing I said to Rick last night that really helped him face the possibility of divorce was that we would always be friends. Now I've said that before - but this time I added on that if we do split and any of my future relationships can't handle me being really close friends with my ex then they can take their insecurity and leave, I don't need them. And I mean that. Rick will always, no matter what happens, be a very important part of my life. I will always care deeply for and about him. I'm just not sure I can keep living with him because of all the pain that causes on both sides.
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My friend Beth finally finished and brought by my garb for Ren Faire. Happy Birthday to me! It's a gorgeous dress! Grey and blue - and the necklace that was an impulse buy on ebay with no actual purpose in mind for it when I bought it goes with it perfectly! It was accessory destiny I suppose. ;)


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